A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!
One night a boy and his girlfriend were out on a date and as the boy pulls into his girlfriend’s driveway to drop her off she tells him to come over the next night for dinner and meet her parents.
Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name. “Yeah teach?” he replies.
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, “You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening.”
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Nobody likes having to call the boss with bad news, try having that phone call be to Darth Vader.
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.
Who is Jack Schitt you ask? The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says “you don’t know jack schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous, but her mother reassured her.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender can’t help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation. “How’d you die?” the first man asks the second. “I froze to death,” says the second. “That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
A couple of drinking buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the hangar at Logan; it’s fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them says to the other, “Man, have you got anything to drink?”
A woman awakes during the night, and her husband isn’t in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
Some visual Humor from around the web.
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, “For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want to. I will answer it truthfully.”
Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a ‘get acquainted’ tour of the White House.
To My Dearest Husband, I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.